“What I pulled away from this is a rather simple concept. Everyone in
life is on a journey. When you just sit and think about it, you can
feel lost/overwhelmed. Then there are the unique people that come into
your life that guide/help/carry you through difficulties that life
brings. But in the blink of an eye those people could be gone. You
never know when you’ll loose one of then. Those special people come
and go, but in the end, you will find “your way home.” Ultimate peace.”

This was a posting describing an excellent music video for a Sigur Ros song.

It’s a sensitive subject, I’ll get to the point, but I’m longwinded so bear with me.  I’m burdened with the hope that things will work out and that the faith I put into people will be rewarded with results that meet the expectations.  Sadly, this isn’t the way the world works, life is always changing, and I look back and things will never be the same.  I lost my faith in everything, and though I feel as all intentions, actions, and emotions were real and without malice, things will still never be the same.  I’d like to believe I once had peace of mind, I wasn’t exploding with confidence, but I wasn’t sad or depressed.  I could keep calm and carry on.  I was quick to learn that the truth wasn’t that I was alright with the world around me, but that I walked with blinders on, cut off from any real bonds and set low expectations. I was more naive and immature than I’d care to admit.  Ignorance was my sword and I wielded it with skilled precision.  I didn’t care about things, and as stupid as that sounds I’m sure I wasn’t the only one.  I didn’t really have financial worries, I enjoyed my life, it was easy.  I wasn’t overly invested into anything.

Things change… I guess the saying goes when you meet someone they never really disappear even when they’ve left.  Everyone you meet leaves a lasting impression on you and they change you.  I am who I am today because of the people I’ve met, some more than others.  As they walk past and away from your life, a piece of them remains that will forever be apart of you.  Kind of like a scar, a wound that never truly heals I’d say.  Now, again don’t get too deep, I’m not saying this is that random bum that asked you for a dollar.  These are the people you really get to know, the ones you trust, and when I say trust I don’t mean the basis of trusting them with physical possessions or something trivial.  I mean the people who you’re at the mercy of, the people that you let in to your soul and being.  Most people know what I’m referencing.

Their eyes return a stare of comfort, a feeling that the ship will sail safely and swiftly, things will work out.  No, they’ll not just work out, things were working out before, this is more, this is something beyond.  Things will be awesome and your fears disappear, but this leaves a gap and an addiction if it gets bad enough.

I’ve gone off track and my train of thought has extended the subject that I wanted to express.  This happens pretty often to me, but I don’t believe in deleting the things I write that are true expressions.  No reason to frown or regret, because at one moments, it was the exact thing you wanted.  I guess that’s how I feel about things I write or say.  I always cringe with insecurity at the aftermath, but that’s my burden and the downside of it.  The bright side is at least I know I’m real.

So, back to the main track, the dream.  This is a state of being, something few people really reach.  It’s usually an illusion, a trick that will only reveal it’s colors at the right time.  The cruelest part of it…. you bring it upon yourself.  This isn’t a nightmare brought upon you by the actions of another, but it’s all your own undoing.  The Dream is a feeling of pure loss of ego, pure not giving a fuck, because it doesn’t matter.  This state is often fleeting, it can apply to multiple circumstances.  All your worries, insecurities, problems, are gone and the only thing that matters to you are the moments you’re currently experiencing.  It’s an intoxicating drug that words won’t do justice.  I’m sure you’ve felt it, that feeling of being on top of the world.  The problem is that I find the truth of moderation to be constantly in existence, a price must be paid.  On a scale, you’re usually at a 5, that’s normal, but this state is a fucking 10, no it’s more than that, it’s a number that can’t simply be expressed it’s that fucking high.  Usually if you drop from a 5 to a 1, sure it’s a down period, but when you drop from this high, it’s completely different.  Twice the pride, double the fall.

So, what do you do?  Do you chase enlightenment, pure peace of the mind and soul?  Turn to God and accept that what comes next will be better?  In my dream, death didn’t matter, it wasn’t a fear and when death is no longer free you achieve a state of pure vida, you’re truly free.  Free from everything, even time slips away, because at that moment you’re experiencing everything you have wanted and everything you will want.  Is it worth it?  This is clearly an overdramatic rant concerning one simple question:

Is it better to live your life riding a roller coaster of extremes or face the boring and ignorant steady walk of predictability.  Do you take the high and expect the low, or diverge onto a different trail?  Can you have your cake and eat it too?  Everything finds their own path differently, or doesn’t find it at all.

These aren’t the only spectrums, but I’m not looking to diverge off my point any more than I already have.  If you actually read any of these posts, I think it’s clear that the writings don’t match up well with the titles, nor does each sentence or paragraph match the previous one.

A little background, or a short story for anyone reading this I guess…  So, here I was driving around the streets of SD as usual when something strikes a nerve.  A familiar feeling, a fleeting memory, and a faded smile.  Frank Ocean came on, “Lost,” of all songs.  It brought me back.  There was a time when I literally listened to that album on repeat for hours.  Damn, it was a great album and matched me so well.  Everything was shitty, everything was lost.  Maybe not everything, being slightly dramatic for effect.  Sure, on the surface things were calm, underneath the water like a duck, I was filled with anxiety.  Being unsure of yourself is a killer, especially in an age where everyone wants to be successful, make an impact, and basically just be somebody.

The glory of this moment, was the fact that this song brought me back to those moments stuck in a cubicle for  8 hours dreading every moment of my existence, hanging on through the comforting words of a soul that seemed even more torn than mine.  It wasn’t empowering, but it got me through and I’m grateful for that.  Hearing it again brought me back, all those emotions came flooding back again, the good, the bad, and the plain dumb things that I let get to me.  I smiled, I laughed, because looking back I was lost, and I’m smiling now because I can see that.  Sure things aren’t perfect, but they never are.  Sometimes we need to learn the art of not giving a fuck, and I’m slowly progressing.

Music has always had this effect for me.  I listen to everything…I know how cliche that is, but seriously depending on my emotions and mood, the music I put on is a pure reflection of that.  If I’m feeling down or under pressure, UGK from Drake or maybe if I’m really down, there’s nothing like some Bon Iver to depress you even more.  If it’s the summer and I’m with my friends, country songs about girls and drinking take center stage.  If it’s a mellow night, there’s literally no experience that can describe Sigur Ros under a starlit sky.

Music is how I travel back in time.  I’ve been hit with the burdens of a great memory, this is great sometimes, agonizing at others.  There are things that tear me up inside that I will never forget, that hit me at some point every day and I fight back the stress and insecurities of my past.  I also remember the fun times and “little things” that really made those moments so euphoric.  Music enhances it to the next level, the effect comes smashing back and whether good or bad, it forces a reaction.  It’s an unstoppable force that hit’s me and sometimes I feel pain, sometimes I just smile.  Either way, it provokes a reaction, and that’s the point I’m leading to.  Music has been something that’s allowed me to see my personal growth as well as an energy that I cannot deny, it’s a drug that we all embrace and are openly addicted to.  Seriously, ask someone if they like music, it’s the stupidest thing you can say, it’s the equivalent of asking do you like breathing.

Cliche day:

It’s funny how something that was built to make you feel more connected to your peers has created the exact opposite feeling, instead it makes you even more lonely.  

“Don’t compare your behind-the-scenes material to everyone else’s highlight reel.”

Somewhat difficult when it’s shoved into my face and I seem to have an addiction that I can’t escape til I lose service.  FWP

FTFY: rant/complain/bitch I should get over it.

VWvCv

 

Honesty is the best policy.  That’s what I’ve always heard.  Then when I tell the truth, people tell me some things are best kept secret.  Now, I’m not so immature to reveal ridiculous things, but I often have the bad habit of giving an honest opinion.

The problem isn’t the feedback I get, it’s my personal insecurities.  I acknowledge my immaturity and my naivety.  I am burdened by the disappointments brought forth by my extraordinary hope that the faith I put in others will be rewarded by the sentiments that this “hope” was well placed.  That’s often not the case.  I met someone similar to me, who had this same naivety and hope that the world isn’t dark, but cynicism was more present within them than me.   So, I did my best to express that their best quality was this faith that the world is full of sunshine, you just need to believe it’s there and often you’ll end up finding it.  Now, I don’t know how successful they are today, or if it’s gotten them anywhere.  In reflection, I think the reason I said that was because I had lost my faith in who I was and whether or not I’ve wasted my time.

I’ve read to never apologize for expressing how you feel, because that’s the same as apologizing for telling the truth.  I want to accept this, but I can’t.  I don’t often have the courage to conjour up the truth when I need to the most, but I can easily say something stupidly blunt and truthful without thinking twice.  It’s because I assign little weight to most things, but when something matters I choke.  Very few things make me uneasy, very few things make me shudder or give me the butterflies.  It’s because I’m young and stupid.  I’ll give you that, I won’t argue that I’m immature, but of the experiences I’ve had, I try to thrive on that feeling.  It’s usually been over something small and unrelated to my personal life.  It’s almost always been for something “trivial” to me, a school report or assignment.  I tell myself, these butterflies, this uneasiness, is proof that this matters to you, it’s not an unshakable feeling, but something that proves that it’s worth the effort you put into it.  When things have really mattered to me, I blew it.  Maybe, there was not shot of “winning” but I can’t accept that, I don’t want an excuse, I just want to be better.

I understand we’re all striving to improve ourselves and I think that’s why I struggle.  It’s because truthfully, I can see what I need to do, the path’s laid out more obvious than a yellow brick road.  I see it there, but for some reason I refuse to take it.  That’s why I drink, that’s why I lie, that’s why I smile when I want to scream, that’s why I’m only sad when no one else is around, and that’s why I I’m stuck.

I have two great regrets that overshadow everything else:

I need the approval of others, I strive for the acknowledgement of those around me.

I absolutely understand that this isn’t in my best interests and how that I need to find what’s best for me, but I ignore it…I completely shit on that sentiment and remain longing for acceptance and acknowledgement, and the worse part, is I hate myself for it, but I can’t change, because I’m selfish, stupid, and numb to truths I I accept, but don’t want to believe in.