The Kick

I’m halfway through and I can’t really grasp the reality of it yet.  My thoughts are pretty scattered, I can’t really concentrate on anything right now.  There’s a lot going on beneath the surface which explains my current predicament, but even despite that, the flow of everything getting old is creeping back.  The very reasons I left Boston are starting to re-appear.  Things feel like they’re coasting again, and it’s not what I want.  On that note, I don’t even know what I want.  I have this idea of happiness, but I accept the fact that my whole world seems to change every 2 years.  I say 2 instead of 1, because for this last year a single thing has been constantly lingering on my mind.  It’s a silent spectre that perpetually haunts me, it makes me sweat every night even though it’s more than just a tad chilly.  It burns me, the flames spike to the point where I could be caught frozen and still melt the ice of the glaciers that surround me.  It poisons my motivations, makes me question my goals and vision.  I don’t have the clear.  I don’t have the answers.  I don’t see the light at the end of the tunnel.  I hope for it, but it’s too dim to see, even in the summer where there’s light everywhere.  I escaped the cold, I thought I got away from it.  I confronted what I thought was my biggest fear.  I thought there would be some ephiphany of relief, but it’s a fleeting moment and it’s gone and nothing has changed.  I thought everything would have changed.  I thought I’d be able to make explosions, be recognized within myself, acknowledge myself and gain some sort of inner acceptance.  I’m jealous, I’m vain, I’m hopeless, I’m lost.

So here I am, the study in study abroad is beginning to pressure me more and more, it’s like a gnat that won’t go away.  Despite how this sounds I’m not complaining, I take responsibility for my work and what needs to be done.  That doesn’t mean I’m happy doing it or even that I will.  It’s more of a statement of an added stressor that contributes to the seeds that turn a dream into something worse.  It’s not a nightmare, but it might be indifference… which could be worse I guess.  When I got here, everything was amazing, the thrill of being lost in a new city, the joys of meeting new people and seeing new things.  It wasn’t euphoric, but it was genuinely great.  The aussies are interesting people, smiling faces in a city, something I’m not used to due to my growing up on the east coast.  It reminds me a little of the west coast with a bit of a european twang thrown in.  Things are starting to feel a little older though.  It makes me question what I want to do.  Maybe backpack or wwoof, but I feel like my only real desire for that task is false.  It’s another fake ideal life that I’m trying to convince myself of.  All over, I’m too unsure to say more, we’ll see where we go from here.  I have so much more to say, but for now I’m going to leave it at this.  Far too ranty and whiny for even me to take in.  At some point you just need to get sick of the bitching and crying and grow up I guess.  That moment hasn’t hit me yet though….

Breathless yet?

Breathless yet?

Look at it..kind of cool right?  I thought so, in fact I almost wallpapered it.  Boom roasted.  On another note, isn’t that what we all want?  We want to fade into the sunset and live in this highlight reel reality where things work out.  We want to sit on those shores gazing at the vista before you and utter the words, “I’m happy.”  You want to sit there and feel lucky, feel blessed, feel like everything you need is right here and get this moment of eternity where everything is perfect.  You’ve hit this high and it’s all you ever wanted or needed.  Ok, I’ve spent enough time ranting about some dreamscape hope some people have.  Here’s the other side, what if it’s not what you expected?  What if you get there thanks to hard, legit work, and this is the big moment, but you’re left there saying wait, what?  Why am I not suddenly happy, why do I still have my insecurities, why is the agony of loneliness still creeping at me despite being here, surrounded by “friends.”  Define your friends, are they the people you’d die for?  When I’d say die for, I don’t mean in some poetic heroic sense, I mean in the sense that you couldn’t live without them.  I mean when you’re old and they’re old, you’d prefer to go first and die in your sleep, so you wouldn’t have to suffer through seeing them go.  Connect those dots if you can, I do struggle with consistency in my points, which is why I write.  You have the dream.  Then you get hit with the kick.  Was the dream real in the first place or was it misguided by the media stream of what should be ideal.  Here’s question two, maybe you’re in that moment and it is everything you wanted.  It IS that amazing, it’s ideal.  It changes you, it almost enlightens you to a moment of pure estatic bliss.  Well, here’s the second problem, it’s not permanent, it’s only temporary.  Things change and it’s difficult to deal with, but ignorance is bliss.  You’ve experienced this great thing, but it’s not going to be there forever.  Look at it this way, when you get there, you’re twice as high as you’ve ever been, but then when it ends you fall back to the standard, which is now twice as far.  Maybe the next stage of your life is even more depressing and it’s worse.  Well, this escalated quickly.

Ok, so I’ve grown to understand no one understands my sarcasm or my points, so if you’re still with me, I guess I’ll shoot the abridged version.  I found a cool picture and posted it.  I wrote about how awesome it would seem to be there, then countered it with two ridiculously knitpicky reasons of how it might not be that awesome.  In reality, I’m not talking about going on vacation to Bali or somewhere cool, I’m talking about going through changes in your life.  I’m talking about how shitty it is to reach a point where you’re like this is awesome, but get hit with a hard dose of reality and the difficulties of coping with that change.

The Kick….