It’s a sensitive subject, I’ll get to the point, but I’m longwinded so bear with me. I’m burdened with the hope that things will work out and that the faith I put into people will be rewarded with results that meet the expectations. Sadly, this isn’t the way the world works, life is always changing, and I look back and things will never be the same. I lost my faith in everything, and though I feel as all intentions, actions, and emotions were real and without malice, things will still never be the same. I’d like to believe I once had peace of mind, I wasn’t exploding with confidence, but I wasn’t sad or depressed. I could keep calm and carry on. I was quick to learn that the truth wasn’t that I was alright with the world around me, but that I walked with blinders on, cut off from any real bonds and set low expectations. I was more naive and immature than I’d care to admit. Ignorance was my sword and I wielded it with skilled precision. I didn’t care about things, and as stupid as that sounds I’m sure I wasn’t the only one. I didn’t really have financial worries, I enjoyed my life, it was easy. I wasn’t overly invested into anything.
Things change… I guess the saying goes when you meet someone they never really disappear even when they’ve left. Everyone you meet leaves a lasting impression on you and they change you. I am who I am today because of the people I’ve met, some more than others. As they walk past and away from your life, a piece of them remains that will forever be apart of you. Kind of like a scar, a wound that never truly heals I’d say. Now, again don’t get too deep, I’m not saying this is that random bum that asked you for a dollar. These are the people you really get to know, the ones you trust, and when I say trust I don’t mean the basis of trusting them with physical possessions or something trivial. I mean the people who you’re at the mercy of, the people that you let in to your soul and being. Most people know what I’m referencing.
Their eyes return a stare of comfort, a feeling that the ship will sail safely and swiftly, things will work out. No, they’ll not just work out, things were working out before, this is more, this is something beyond. Things will be awesome and your fears disappear, but this leaves a gap and an addiction if it gets bad enough.
I’ve gone off track and my train of thought has extended the subject that I wanted to express. This happens pretty often to me, but I don’t believe in deleting the things I write that are true expressions. No reason to frown or regret, because at one moments, it was the exact thing you wanted. I guess that’s how I feel about things I write or say. I always cringe with insecurity at the aftermath, but that’s my burden and the downside of it. The bright side is at least I know I’m real.
So, back to the main track, the dream. This is a state of being, something few people really reach. It’s usually an illusion, a trick that will only reveal it’s colors at the right time. The cruelest part of it…. you bring it upon yourself. This isn’t a nightmare brought upon you by the actions of another, but it’s all your own undoing. The Dream is a feeling of pure loss of ego, pure not giving a fuck, because it doesn’t matter. This state is often fleeting, it can apply to multiple circumstances. All your worries, insecurities, problems, are gone and the only thing that matters to you are the moments you’re currently experiencing. It’s an intoxicating drug that words won’t do justice. I’m sure you’ve felt it, that feeling of being on top of the world. The problem is that I find the truth of moderation to be constantly in existence, a price must be paid. On a scale, you’re usually at a 5, that’s normal, but this state is a fucking 10, no it’s more than that, it’s a number that can’t simply be expressed it’s that fucking high. Usually if you drop from a 5 to a 1, sure it’s a down period, but when you drop from this high, it’s completely different. Twice the pride, double the fall.
So, what do you do? Do you chase enlightenment, pure peace of the mind and soul? Turn to God and accept that what comes next will be better? In my dream, death didn’t matter, it wasn’t a fear and when death is no longer free you achieve a state of pure vida, you’re truly free. Free from everything, even time slips away, because at that moment you’re experiencing everything you have wanted and everything you will want. Is it worth it? This is clearly an overdramatic rant concerning one simple question:
Is it better to live your life riding a roller coaster of extremes or face the boring and ignorant steady walk of predictability. Do you take the high and expect the low, or diverge onto a different trail? Can you have your cake and eat it too? Everything finds their own path differently, or doesn’t find it at all.
These aren’t the only spectrums, but I’m not looking to diverge off my point any more than I already have. If you actually read any of these posts, I think it’s clear that the writings don’t match up well with the titles, nor does each sentence or paragraph match the previous one.