Mediocrity

I’m frustrated, maybe more, maybe at the heart of it I’m disappointed in myself.  The definition of insanity is doing something over and over again and expecting a different result.  Here I am, another 3 months gone by with nothing to show for it.  I thought I could be disciplined.  Then there’s a trigger and it all goes to waste.  The effort wasn’t there.  I think my issue is more than a fear, I think it’s waking up and learning that I’m mediocre.  That I’ll have epiphanies from time to time, with the hope I’m going to turn it all around and change my life, but that’s not going to happen.  That’s not how it works, we don’t get epiphanies, we get now.  Now is the time and if you really want to make a change that’s when you start.  Your stamina isn’t tested late at night when you’re typing away complaining, but when you’re surrounded by your addictions.  I wish I started earlier, I wish I put in a stronger effort, I wish I could go back in time, I wish I was more right now.  I hope for now that this marks the end of wishing for more.  I’ll say this, for me right now marks a change, and I’m going to keep with it, I’m going to keep going on.  We’ll see how things work out, though truth be told, I’m a cynic who tells others to keep hope.  Hypocrite.

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