For the longest time, I haven’t had an untroubled sleep, where I could make it through the night without several nightmares shivering their way into my mind. By the longest time, I mean a little over a year. I just want a period of time where I can close my eyes with the relief of an untroubled sleep. I can endure more I think, I’m really not so sure anymore. The greater problem lies with progress. Nothing’s really changed for me, if growth is something that comes automatically with time, then I must have missed something. I haven’t really grown much, the only truth that’s become more relevant to me is my shame and ignorance. There are moments that I keep close to the chest, that are stuck to me like a dagger in the heart. These thoughts crush me, because I don’t know how to react, I don’t know what I’m feeling, but I know I don’t enjoy it. Today could be different though, because it’s become apparent to me what I’m so ashamed of. I don’t know if I should be or not, but I can’t speak of it, so hopefully writing it helps. I asked my friend what he thought of the Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, he wasn’t a fan. I asked him about his worst experiences and if he’d want to forget them. His response was absolutely not, because then you wouldn’t learn anything and you’d be doomed to repeat it. I hope I’ve learned something, but I’m not sure I’m confident in myself not to repeat my mistakes.
It starts with a girl, like most stories do. No, it starts far before that, it started the moment I became self-aware, but this post isn’t going to cover my issues with childhood. If curiosity strikes, just think of your own problems, mine to be honest were no different from your average joe. Everyone’s got problems, only the people who really care about you, will want to listen to yours. So, I digress, but I loved this girl, I often questioned that truth, but a truth it is, I really did, through and through. It didn’t matter what was happening as long as it was me and her, it was alright. Nothing else mattered, happiness was standing right there, like a drug I’ve never experienced before it. The euphoria it granted my existence is something I haven’t grasped before, and from time to time I doubt I ever will again. I often wondered what the word love really means. This is the first disclosure, I wouldn’t admit it, but it’s true. I loved you. I still do, if it is true love I don’t think it can ever really go away. It’s something the mind can’t recover from, an inevitable relapse that can only be prevented through acceptance of pain or complete separation. Everything here is so long-winded, and it’s because even now I delay telling my story, admitting my shames, giving it form. It’s hard to type, it really is. The pain comes from my failure in realizing that it was unrequited, that it was, it is a sham. I still hold onto hope that maybe it just requires more and more work. It’d be worth it, but it is a shadow of a hope now, not even, it’s a shadow in the night, it doesn’t exist, but I still look for it. I wander aimless in intentions, walking in a circle, this whole time I’ve really been standing still. I think about moments where I could have done something differently, could have been the person that made things work, but I’m just me. These sting, but they aren’t the fractures that disable me.
No, that begins with the beginning, when we just met. I doubt I’ll ever forget that day. Spent the whole damn day, smacking white round objects with pieces of metal on beautiful fields of green. Saw a fox, no a wolf relax and take in the sunlight as only a divine creature can. Maybe it was a coyote. We ate, I paid for everything, as usual, a common theme to this collection of events. The day turns to night, alcohol becomes involved, we have a spontaneous bash like we always did, and every time it was unplanned. You disappear with my best friend from college. I’m hurt, the walls are thin, each noise pierces me like a needle going straight into my flesh. I’m angry, I’ve never been so angry, I pace, I leave, I search desperately for a cigarette, but no one’s around. What started as a party dwindled to just me, just me and those damn noises. I do what I can, rush up to the roof. I pace, angrily pace, I see red, but I can’t act on it. I did actually, I yelled something before heading up the stairs, what it was I forget, no matter I don’t think anyone heard it. I take a breath, another, and a few more. I calm myself, I’ve never reacted like this before it’s all new to me, and I don’t know what’s going on. I wander back down to the living room. My friend’s there, he tries to console me, he says “that’s shitty man, I can’t believe that,” I tell him I don’t know what he’s talking about and walk away. It’s obvious though. She comes out, the omnipresent daze glazing her eyes as they always are, she’s tired. She doesn’t want to walk home, I put on a smile, no I don’t think I did actually. I couldn’t really, I nod, my eyes squinted slightly in misery, lead her up to my room, a small double shared by me and my best friend from High School. He left for the night, back to his hometown or so I thought. I let her sleep in his bed, and pace up to the roof, unable to stand myself. I pace again, even angrier, even more conflicted. I wish I had the balls to say something, but at the same time, I had no right to say anything. I wasn’t Owed anything, what’s this sense of entitlement. I teetered between the two, angry that I was angry, and becoming more hysterical. Again, calm down, you’re logical, you’ve always been, you’ve been above petty hookups and one night stands, you’re past that. I walk back into my room to call it a night. My best friend is back, he’s there with her. I don’t need to say anything. Yeah, something happened. I should of put her somewhere else, that was the thought in my head. I go back downstairs, another shot to bring upon sleep. And fade to black. Betrayal? Was it shallow of me to feel that way? I did everything I could to not feel anything, but I couldn’t. I Was, I am mad. My best friend from High School, and my best friend from College. I guess my bonds didn’t run strong both ways. This is my second disclosure, I always thought there was a brightside, I always believed good intentions were somehow there, I believed in people, I Believed in hope. I had always kept my expectations too high, my second relevation, don’t expect anything of anyone.
A depressing series of events has just begun. These shadows are found every night, at some point when I close my eyes I face these demons, sooner or later I Fall asleep. New York City, it never sleeps.
I thought I had made progress and by progress I mean my affliction was carved deeper. We became closer. I misread it. I was warned. I didn’t listen. It was a Thursday night, a wonderful evening, just as every evening with her was. Boston really has it’s fireflies, little activities and areas where adventure is to be found and fun to be had. We were probably walking back from the harbor, as we often did, and decided to aim for something bigger, something brighter. Why not go to New York City tomorrow? Eager to please, I agreed, I made it happen. Boy, that was a bad decision. Money is fickle, and to just bitch about money would be a disservice to the story, but it is relevant as I don’t have much. Each dollar represents a period of time that didn’t belong to me, that I spent doing something I probably didn’t enjoy in return for the hopes that it would be worth it. That’s the value of this money, it cost me part of my life to get it. It was hot that weekend, humid through and through, but no matter, we boarded the bus and got there. No ordinary hotel would do, this girl is special, and I’ve got a talent for finding a bargain. Next thing I know, an $1100 a night room opens its doors for us. Why did I do that, maybe because I’m a sucker for the grandeur, immature and inexperienced, foolish and stupid about the real truths of luxury. Time’s square is a two second walk away. On these humid days a downpour was sure to happen, no worries the door man offers you his umbrella, you think about taking it, but you don’t, no need to, holding it would just be a nuisance. I was right, it would have been just a nuisance, it only rained for me that day, it stayed sunny for everyone else. Fast forward, we’re at the club, how you got in, a fake ID of course. Where’d that ID come from, a mutual friend. Despite the lack of resemblance it works. Our usual custom for ordering drinks was to go somewhere nice, somewhere fancy, where they priced so high that they wouldn’t ever think of anyone underage asking. My immaturity came through time and time again through that summer. Back to New York. The First floor is boring, we move up, a crowd here too, potential, but we’re not even tipsy. The roof bar, tequila, overpriced, it goes down with a lime. Another, followed by a drink. We dance, it’s latin music, not my song, I take a break, you keep going, soon your dancing with some guy. There’s no eloquent way to put it, I hated him through and through. The grinding was infuriating, I couldn’t sit anymore, next thing I know, this guy’s lecturing me on how to do the easiest dance there is. Whatever, I Take it, I guess I’m a pushover. We all go to the roof, he’s a regular he says, he gets us some drinks. God, must have been the shittiest mix of a drink ever, some cheep slushy shit hole pina coladas. We talk, by we, I mean you two, I stay silent, it’s obvious I’m upset I guess, I never shut my mouth otherwise. She says she needs to go to the bathroom, she doesn’t know where it is, so our gentleman friend offers to show her. You disappear, I wait. I wait longer. Still not back, I wait some more. And that’s it for tonight, I’ll continue this later.