I wish I could see you.  I wish I could be more honest.  I wish i didn’t hide behind a veil of lies.  I wish I was the person I wanted to be.  I’ve always needed acknowledgement.  I’ve always wanted to be acknowledged by my peers.  By everyone.  I wanted to be a rock.  I’ve wanted to be able to support others.  I’ve wanted to be special.  I’ve wanted to be more than just a number.  

I wish I could have told you everything.  I wish I forgot about hope and said everything.  Everything I felt, the emotion that’s pierced me and destroyed me and ruined me.  I wish I could tell you, just inject responsibility into another, been selfish for my own gain.  Hurt you for a mere moment for acknowledgement.  Taken pleasure from it.  I wish I told you just how much it hurt.  How much it racked my mind, the constant pressure and disappointment I felt. The constant fear, insecurity, fear, and hope.  Hope ruined everything.  I used it to justify.  I was wrong.  

The only acknowledgement I needed was yours.  But i needed more than that, I needed in a selfish capacity.  Moments are stressed into what feels like eternity.  I faced my fear, faced what I thought was my jump into something beyond, letting go of everything.  It did nothing.  I can’t explain my emotion, my pain, my torture.  But that’s what it is, it’s torture.  I wish you the best, because you are wonderful.  You’re everything I want, everything bright, peaceful, harmonious, you’re happiness.  You ruined me.  I’m racked with regret, guilt, fear, and more than I could express in my limited vocabulary.  It’s a feeling of great despair.  From the moment I met you, you haven’t left my mind.  It’s constant, and it’s so much, too much.  I’m lost.  I look to you for guidance, but that’s asking too much.  I know I need to find it for myself but I can’t.  Can’t. Can’t. Can’t.  What kind of phrase is that.  I wish you never met me.  It would have been better for you.  I have no regret in meeting you.  My only regret is that I’m me.  That seems like the worst regret anyone could have.  That’s what I Deal with.  There’s no way to say it kindly or gently.  It’s selfish in every way.  I see the bottom, there’s no top.  There’s here and it’s been constant.  It’s been a year. I see no end.  I wish I told you everything, I have only regret.  


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