I wish I could see you. I wish I could be more honest. I wish i didn’t hide behind a veil of lies. I wish I was the person I wanted to be. I’ve always needed acknowledgement. I’ve always wanted to be acknowledged by my peers. By everyone. I wanted to be a rock. I’ve wanted to be able to support others. I’ve wanted to be special. I’ve wanted to be more than just a number.
I wish I could have told you everything. I wish I forgot about hope and said everything. Everything I felt, the emotion that’s pierced me and destroyed me and ruined me. I wish I could tell you, just inject responsibility into another, been selfish for my own gain. Hurt you for a mere moment for acknowledgement. Taken pleasure from it. I wish I told you just how much it hurt. How much it racked my mind, the constant pressure and disappointment I felt. The constant fear, insecurity, fear, and hope. Hope ruined everything. I used it to justify. I was wrong.
The only acknowledgement I needed was yours. But i needed more than that, I needed in a selfish capacity. Moments are stressed into what feels like eternity. I faced my fear, faced what I thought was my jump into something beyond, letting go of everything. It did nothing. I can’t explain my emotion, my pain, my torture. But that’s what it is, it’s torture. I wish you the best, because you are wonderful. You’re everything I want, everything bright, peaceful, harmonious, you’re happiness. You ruined me. I’m racked with regret, guilt, fear, and more than I could express in my limited vocabulary. It’s a feeling of great despair. From the moment I met you, you haven’t left my mind. It’s constant, and it’s so much, too much. I’m lost. I look to you for guidance, but that’s asking too much. I know I need to find it for myself but I can’t. Can’t. Can’t. Can’t. What kind of phrase is that. I wish you never met me. It would have been better for you. I have no regret in meeting you. My only regret is that I’m me. That seems like the worst regret anyone could have. That’s what I Deal with. There’s no way to say it kindly or gently. It’s selfish in every way. I see the bottom, there’s no top. There’s here and it’s been constant. It’s been a year. I see no end. I wish I told you everything, I have only regret.