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Monthly Archives: May 2013

I wish I could see you.  I wish I could be more honest.  I wish i didn’t hide behind a veil of lies.  I wish I was the person I wanted to be.  I’ve always needed acknowledgement.  I’ve always wanted to be acknowledged by my peers.  By everyone.  I wanted to be a rock.  I’ve wanted to be able to support others.  I’ve wanted to be special.  I’ve wanted to be more than just a number.  

I wish I could have told you everything.  I wish I forgot about hope and said everything.  Everything I felt, the emotion that’s pierced me and destroyed me and ruined me.  I wish I could tell you, just inject responsibility into another, been selfish for my own gain.  Hurt you for a mere moment for acknowledgement.  Taken pleasure from it.  I wish I told you just how much it hurt.  How much it racked my mind, the constant pressure and disappointment I felt. The constant fear, insecurity, fear, and hope.  Hope ruined everything.  I used it to justify.  I was wrong.  

The only acknowledgement I needed was yours.  But i needed more than that, I needed in a selfish capacity.  Moments are stressed into what feels like eternity.  I faced my fear, faced what I thought was my jump into something beyond, letting go of everything.  It did nothing.  I can’t explain my emotion, my pain, my torture.  But that’s what it is, it’s torture.  I wish you the best, because you are wonderful.  You’re everything I want, everything bright, peaceful, harmonious, you’re happiness.  You ruined me.  I’m racked with regret, guilt, fear, and more than I could express in my limited vocabulary.  It’s a feeling of great despair.  From the moment I met you, you haven’t left my mind.  It’s constant, and it’s so much, too much.  I’m lost.  I look to you for guidance, but that’s asking too much.  I know I need to find it for myself but I can’t.  Can’t. Can’t. Can’t.  What kind of phrase is that.  I wish you never met me.  It would have been better for you.  I have no regret in meeting you.  My only regret is that I’m me.  That seems like the worst regret anyone could have.  That’s what I Deal with.  There’s no way to say it kindly or gently.  It’s selfish in every way.  I see the bottom, there’s no top.  There’s here and it’s been constant.  It’s been a year. I see no end.  I wish I told you everything, I have only regret.  

The truth…I am conflicted with severe acceptance of inadequacy.  Logic tells me it’s insecurity and a depression that plagues many more people than I’d think.  Logic tells me I’m not alone.  Others have overcome it.  I think my problem isn’t being faced with inadequacy, but my basic acceptance of it.  I just never see myself in a good light.  I fake it til I make it.  I’ve been faking it for 22 long years.  I’ve acted long enough.  The truth?  I’m probably a coward or immature, it doesn’t really matter.  At some point the act must end, the charade be deemed false, and the truth come out.  The constant reminder at the end of each sunset is a constant sadness.  The dramatic takes hold, and the jester comes to play.  How pathetic, ridiculous, short-sighted, and naive.  I think the saddest thing is that’s really all I have to say about myself.  That’s not really sad, just dramatic and immature.  Things haven’t changed.