Stupidly Honest



Honesty is the best policy.  That’s what I’ve always heard.  Then when I tell the truth, people tell me some things are best kept secret.  Now, I’m not so immature to reveal ridiculous things, but I often have the bad habit of giving an honest opinion.

The problem isn’t the feedback I get, it’s my personal insecurities.  I acknowledge my immaturity and my naivety.  I am burdened by the disappointments brought forth by my extraordinary hope that the faith I put in others will be rewarded by the sentiments that this “hope” was well placed.  That’s often not the case.  I met someone similar to me, who had this same naivety and hope that the world isn’t dark, but cynicism was more present within them than me.   So, I did my best to express that their best quality was this faith that the world is full of sunshine, you just need to believe it’s there and often you’ll end up finding it.  Now, I don’t know how successful they are today, or if it’s gotten them anywhere.  In reflection, I think the reason I said that was because I had lost my faith in who I was and whether or not I’ve wasted my time.

I’ve read to never apologize for expressing how you feel, because that’s the same as apologizing for telling the truth.  I want to accept this, but I can’t.  I don’t often have the courage to conjour up the truth when I need to the most, but I can easily say something stupidly blunt and truthful without thinking twice.  It’s because I assign little weight to most things, but when something matters I choke.  Very few things make me uneasy, very few things make me shudder or give me the butterflies.  It’s because I’m young and stupid.  I’ll give you that, I won’t argue that I’m immature, but of the experiences I’ve had, I try to thrive on that feeling.  It’s usually been over something small and unrelated to my personal life.  It’s almost always been for something “trivial” to me, a school report or assignment.  I tell myself, these butterflies, this uneasiness, is proof that this matters to you, it’s not an unshakable feeling, but something that proves that it’s worth the effort you put into it.  When things have really mattered to me, I blew it.  Maybe, there was not shot of “winning” but I can’t accept that, I don’t want an excuse, I just want to be better.

I understand we’re all striving to improve ourselves and I think that’s why I struggle.  It’s because truthfully, I can see what I need to do, the path’s laid out more obvious than a yellow brick road.  I see it there, but for some reason I refuse to take it.  That’s why I drink, that’s why I lie, that’s why I smile when I want to scream, that’s why I’m only sad when no one else is around, and that’s why I I’m stuck.

I have two great regrets that overshadow everything else:

I need the approval of others, I strive for the acknowledgement of those around me.

I absolutely understand that this isn’t in my best interests and how that I need to find what’s best for me, but I ignore it…I completely shit on that sentiment and remain longing for acceptance and acknowledgement, and the worse part, is I hate myself for it, but I can’t change, because I’m selfish, stupid, and numb to truths I I accept, but don’t want to believe in.


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